Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow and Back Again!

The last week of 2016, I found out that I was no longer responding to the oral chemo I had started in October, and that my cancer had spread. My body had puffed up like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and I got to welcome in the New Year with yet another hospital stay. Treatment Plan A had been a bust. Plan B was a failure. Now we were onto Plan C. We immediately started IV chemo (Gem/Carbo)...

With IV chemo, we knew there was a pretty good chance that I'd end up losing my hair... again. Since I had been down that road before, I knew I could totally handle it.  It still sucked, because my hair had grown out so long and healthy from the last go-around and I was loving it. I knew it would come back, eventually. So, 3 weeks in, it started falling out and a month later I had a pretty good balding stripe right down the top of my head. It was time to shave it.

I decided that I wanted to share the experience with My Tribe (my friends and family). I wanted people to see that it really wasn't such a scary thing.  If I could do it, so could they.  I grabbed two of my besties, my wigs, and headed over to my friend's salon for the "big event".  I shared the whole thing live on Facebook (you can watch it HERE), and was overwhelmed by the amount of support I got from all of my people.

Notice the bald stripe leading to my bald patch?

Almost gone!

Celebrating with my besties the day after and sporting my pink wig.

And then... about three weeks later, my hair stopped falling out and started growing back!

Now I know what some of you might be saying, "What a waste! You made such a big deal about sharing getting your head shaved and it came right back! Why'd you even bother?"
Well, here's the thing, you never know how your body is going to react to chemo. Last time, I was Mr. Clean-bald just a few months in.  This time, my hair was thinning. I'd lose a handful of hair each time I ran a brush through it. I had a bald spot. Everything pointed to me being a chrome dome again soon.

Here's the other thing, I have very little control over what happens to my body anymore. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself.  Deciding WHEN to shave my head was me taking control of something. It was me showing that I was stronger than my circumstances (even if it was just hair). Not just that, but every time I would brush my hair and pull a fist full of hair out, it was a reminded that I was sick. Enough was enough.

Badass is BACK!!

Know what else? A kind of transformation took place.  I got my badassedness back! As she shaved my head and that thinning hair fell to the floor, I was becoming fierce. It was empowering.  It still is. I feel stronger.  Maybe not always physically or emotionally, but mentally, I'm stronger. I even go out now without a wig (something that I NEVER did the first time), and I'm owning my battle. Don't get me wrong, I still have lots of wigs, but they're just for fun! Accessories.

I'm not going to get too attached to my hair yet, because like I said, you never know... I've still got 4 months of chemo left. It's just all part of the adventure and I'm learning you've just gotta roll with it! It's totally worth it to me to step out of my comfort zone from time to time, if it means showing cancer who's boss!

Oh, and that Plan C chemo... it's doing the job! It's wreaking havoc on my body, but I'll take it because the tumors are shrinking and the cancer is being controlled!!

One more thing... I need to take a minute to thank my friend, Nona Pitts.  She's my stylist and owner of Salon 5150 in Brea, CA.  She has made her salon a safe place for me to feel beautiful and encouraged to try out hairstyles and crazy wigs. She works miracles on those wigs I bring in! Nona is so dear to me and I am grateful for her and her staff.  Thanks, Babe!

My Girl, Nona!

Coffee Break - Strong Enough to Face Giants?

Last month, I spoke at WACC’s Coffee Break and shared about my breast cancer journey.  Thanks to a tech-savvy friend, I have FINALLY figured out how to get the video up and running here on my blog! 
So pour yourself a cup of coffee, get comfy, and listen to my story.  I hope that you’ll be blessed because it was a blessing to be able to share!

Hair Update

I forgot to share my “hair update” that I posted on Facebook.
I don’t have much of a style yet, but it’s growing!! (No, it wasn’t curly before.)  I actually used the blow dryer and a little hairspray - first time in 11-months!

It TOTALLY reminds me of my Grandma’s hair!

I’m still thinking of things in relation to “this time last year”… this time last year I was getting my alien port installed.  This time last year I was having my node biopsy….  I’m sure that will fade as time goes by.  Going to see Doc Onc in 2 weeks for my check-up and I’ll be having a mammogram soon too.  Not gonna lie, I’m a teeny bit nervous.  I’ll let ya know who it goes!!

Radiation Re-Cap and Stuff

Last week of radiation and I realized that I haven't updated my blog since I started! So, I'm just gonna add some of my posts from Facebook to get everything caught up!

 

 

December 6th
Early zap session the morning so I have go have a weekend with my girls!!!! Woo-hoo!! Have a great one, y'all!!!! — at Ruby L Golleher Oncology Center

December 9th

Anyone else movin' S.L.O.W. this morning? Maybe getting zapped this AM will recharge my battery... a girl can hope anyway!! Happy Monday!!! — at Ruby L Golleher Oncology Center.
Got a GREAT report from my radiation oncologist today!! He said that my skin is reacting to the radiation "way better than average" and that I am doing GREAT!! 18 sessions down and 17 more to go!! Over half-way done!!!!!!!

 

December 10 (From Jesus Calling)
 Make Me the focal point of your search for security. In your private thoughts, you are still trying to order your world so that it is predictable and feels safe. Not only is this an impossible goal, but it is also counterproductive to spiritual growth. When your private world feels unsteady and you grip My hand for support, you are living in conscious dependence on Me.
 Instead of yea...rning for a problem-free life, rejoice that trouble can highlight your awareness of My Presence. In the darkness of adversity, you are able to see more clearly the radiance of My Face. Accept the value of problems in this life, considering them pure joy. Remember that you have an eternity of trouble-free living awaiting you in heaven.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
—Isaiah 41:10
 Even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
—Psalm 139:10
 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.
—James 1:2

December 12th

Computers were down this morning when I got here, but it looks like they got them up and running!! I'm just gonna hang out and wait to get zapped! Happy Thursday!!! — at Ruby L Golleher Oncology Center.

Still waiting, but my favorite zapper, Andrei, brought me a warm blanket to wrap up in while I wait.

 

They should really consider serving coffee and donuts here at radiation. Just sayin'......

December 16th
23rd radiation blast - DONE! 12 more to go. Starting to feel a little more fatigued than before, but nothing I can't handle and NOTHING like chemo fatigue!! Doc Y said that my skin looks so good that once I've recovered, you probably won't even be able to tell that I've had radiation. I like the sound of that!!

I met a sweet little lady this morning. She was there for her first session. I spoke with her daughter while she waited. They were both very nervous and the daughter cried a little. It felt good to be able to share with them and reassure them that the hard stuff was behind them. Looking forward to seeing her again tomorrow.

December 17th

Got to hug a super sweet lady today as she went in for her LAST zap! The joy in her smile was awesome!! Blessed to have been there!!

December 18th

Not the most convenient time of year for radiation fatigue to start setting in. Having a little trouble focusing on tasks and finishing them. The house is a mess. Need to get a few more decorations out of the garage. Shopping isn't done. Wanted to start doing some baking... Better add a few naps to that list. Oh well, I've still got a few more days to get things done!

And God was all, "Silly girl! Didn't I tell you that I'd give you what you need? Didn't we agree that you'd leave everything up to me? I haven't let you down yet, have I?"
And I was like, "I'm a dork and sometimes I need a little reminder. Thank you, loving and faithful Father."

 

December 20th
So, probably an over-share, but this is what I have seen every picture day (once a week) at radiation. At first I referred to it as "Frankenboob making shadow puppets" and then I started calling it "watching the sunrise" because as the panel would come up, it really was like watching the sun come up over the mountains! Just another one of my crazy observations!

Radiation Update: For the last 28 sessions, I've had full-breast radiation. They've been shooting photons into Frankenboob and into my armpit and lymph nodes from 3 different angles (photons go deeper into my body/tissue). One more session like that to go. Then probably on Tuesday, we'll start what they call "blast". I'll get zapped with photons from the back that are targeted at some more lymph nodes. They will also blast me with electrons (they only go just under the surface) that zero in on my incision site. This is to make sure that no microscopic villains got left behind when they were removing the bad stuff. We'll do it that way till Jan. 3rd. Sooooooo close to being DONE!!!!

December 21st (From Jesus Calling)
My plan for your life is unfolding before you. Sometimes the road you are traveling seems blocked, or it opens up so painfully slowly that you must hold yourself back. Then, when time is right, the way before you suddenly clears—through no effort of your own. What you have longed for and worked for I present to you freely, as pure gift. You feel awed by the ease with which I operate i...n the world, and you glimpse My Power and My Glory.
Do not fear your weakness, for it is the stage on which My Power and Glory perform most brilliantly. As you persevere along the path I have prepared for you, depending on My strength to sustain you, expect to see miracles—and you will. Miracles are not always visible to the naked eye, but those who live by faith can see them clearly. Living by faith, rather than sight, enables you to see My Glory.
I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.
—Psalm 63:2
We live by faith, not by sight.
—2 Corinthians 5:7
Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?”
—John 11:40

December 23rd

Gettin' it done folks, gettin' it done!!! Got to pray with my little friend this morning. If you think of it, please say a prayer for her too, she is weak and in a lot of pain, but we know that God is good!!! Happy Monday! — at Ruby L Golleher Oncology Center.

December 24th
'Twas the day before Christmas and I'm getting zapped!!! Thank you for your prayers! My little friend looked great today! Slow down and be blessed!! — at Ruby L Golleher Oncology Center.

My nurses just LOVE me! They gave me a Christmas present.... orders to have labs drawn!! I think I'll wait til after Christmas to open that one!! Gee, thanks ladies!!

So.......... I might be having a bad hair day. Woo-hoo!!!! Finally!!!!!

 

December 25th

Feeling overwhelmed with gratitude as I sit here in the quiet of Christmas morning and reflect on the last year. God has been SO GOOD and I am so thankful for all of the love and support that has been showered upon me and my family. Thank you ALL for that gift!! We are truly blessed by YOU!!  

 

December 28th
It's 7:52 on this last Saturday morning of 2013, and I'm still sitting snuggled under the covers in my warm bed. I am thankful for two days off from radiation before hitting the home stretch of my last four treatments. I'm thankful for this quiet time to sit and reflect on the last year (and oh, what a year!), and to look forward to the new year. God's got something big in store, I just know it. ...I can feel it deep in my heart, way down in my core. Everything I've faced in 2013 wasn't for nothing. It was to prepare me for the amazing adventure ahead. I don't know what that is going to look like or even what that means, but I'm ready! I don't want to miss a single thing, a single moment, a single blessing, a single opportunity. Eyes wide open. Heart wide open. Arms wide open.

 

December 30th

Last Monday morning zap!!! Wow!! Time flies! Please pray for my little friend, she's experiencing terrible back pain and anxiety again and hasn't been able to sleep. I told her we'd be praying for her! Have a great day, y'all!! — at Ruby L Golleher Oncology Center.



Happy Halloween!

So, I went over to Disneyland for a Halloween lunch with my pal, Angie.  I REALLY missed going to have the caprese sandwich at the Jolly Holiday Bakery Café while I was on chemo (the whole couldn't have "raw" food at a restaurant thing was rough)!  Anyway.... there we were enjoying a delicious lunch and watching people walk by in there Halloween costumes.  It was great!!  When we were finished with lunch,we decided to walk over to another part of the park and pick up some pumpkin beignets (oh yum!).  On our way there, we passed one of those places that does caricature portraits.  I had seen one of Frankenstein and thought that it would be fun to have one of myself as the Bride of Frankenstein (being that I call my now cancer-free boob, Frankenboob - I know, I'm strange).  So, as we came around the corner, there they were, Frankenstein and his Bride! I knew that I had to do it!

I sat down in the chair as directed by Richard, the artist.  He was studying my profile and asked if I could move my hair back so he could get a better view of my forehead.  I offered to just take my hair off.  He was a bit startled but I could also tell he was curious.  I pulled off my wig and he commented on how much easier it was going to be now that he could REALLY see ME.  There I sat, dome exposed as he began to sketch.  As I sat there, I slowly realized that people were starting to stop and look – at me and at my portrait.  Then I started to panic.  What had I done??!!! I had taken my wig off in the middle of Disneyland!! That was not something I had planned on doing when I got up this morning, but it was definitely happening!

Posing for my portrait (a re-enactment with my wig on)!

After I had been sitting there for awhile, a woman who I had noticed had been watching my "show", came and stood in front of me. She leaned down, smiled and said, "My mom used to have to wear a wig and she would complain about how itchy and uncomfortable it was," and as she spoke, she placed a small Disneyland bag in my lap.  "So, this is for you," she said with tears starting to fill her eyes, "because you look like you're a real fighter." Then she quickly turned and walked away.  I was near speechless!  I reached into the bag and pulled out a sweet, pink, sparkly Mickey Mouse pin!  A stranger, who didn't know me from Eve, stopped to buy a gift for and encourage me. Overwhelmed, now with tears in my eyes.

A special gift.

After that, I didn't much care that I was sitting there "exposed".  Somehow, that word had taken on a new meaning.  Maybe I hadn't been "exposed" at all.  Perhaps it was God's power and love and grace that has been working in me - healing me, changing me, giving me "fight", that had been exposed. I don't know, but I do know that I was just thankful for once again experiencing God's love in an unexpected place, through an unexpected person.  What a blessing!


Me as The Bride of Frankenstein

So, this is my portrait.  I'm not sure how much she actually looks like me, but Richard was definitely proud of his work!  Oh, and I also ran into my sweet friend, Tanya and her family while I was at Disneyland.  Yet another new blessing in my life!  I'm telling you people, God IS good!

August 28th - 30th ♥

The Faces of Chemo: Day 120

Chemo 10 of 12 with my Chemo Buddy Cherie. Almost done!!

 

Day 121 - Too dang hot for hair today!

Sportin' my "Brave, Gutsy, Dangerous (For Him)" cuffs!
Get your cuffs here: Something to Celebrate.

 

Day 122 - Highs and lows, ups and downs. It didn't help that it was Florida HOT today!

 

Wish I could have gotten out for a walk. I'm missing out on a beautiful morning sky - I can see it peeking between the neighbors' houses. Guess for now, I'll be thankful for the peek and for rest.

 

 Side Note:

I've been wanting to give peanut butter a try, but I didn't want to just go full blown PB. When my pal TC delivered last night's delicious dinner, she also brought chocolate-peanut butter scones. Perfect opportunity for the PB Test! So, this morning's breakfast could have made for a GREAT day or an epic fail........ SUCCESS!!! The scones were YUMMY!!! A very mild PB flavor, but a great first step!!!!! Thanks TC!!!!

 

Rantings of a Crazy Chemo Brain

 

Day 118 - Back in Bed. Happy that I got to visit a bit with my favorite stalkers
Taffi and Patty at HCJH today (and hug on Mr. Winger, aka. "Cookie").

 

Wait for it... Wait for it...

 

Day 119 - Oh the crazy stuff I come up with!

• My hair has started growing back. It's crazy though, super-fine, blond (maybe grey) baby hair except for right down the middle of my head (it's darker and a bit stronger). Oh, and there are random hairs that are about a quarter of an inch longer than the others. This should be interesting!
• So, if that hair is growing back that means...... DANG IT!! I had to shave my  pits today!!! First time in months!!! It was only a few, random hairs, but still!!! I was hoping that maybe my body would decide that hair in "certain areas" wasn't really necessary and concentrate all it's energy on the top of my head, my eyebrows and my eyelashes!! For some reason it's put quite a bit of energy into my chin!! Ugh!! Oh, and I only just noticed today that I have basically no hair on my forearms - didn't get to fully appreciate that! Although, I've been told that there is a chance that my hair could fall out again by the end of chemo.  What exactly am I hoping for here...?
• HOT FLASHES SUCK!!! Enough said.
• If I have to take naps, then EVERYONE should have to nap too!! That way I'm not missing out on anything! Come on people, naps are fun!!
• I miss swimming.
• You'd think that after 18 chemo sessions and at least that many labs, that I wouldn't still have panic attacks that I forget to put my lidocaine cream on my alien port to numb it before they poke me. NOPE!
• I want chicken.
• Where'd my pinkie toenail go?

Brave

Thank you, Christine! ♥

Strength through Beauty

 

The Faces of Chemo: Day 94 - Thank you for making me feel like a girly girl, Christine! 

I have never been a fan of getting my picture taken.  I can pretty much ALWAYS find fault in any picture of myself.  I knew that when I decided to start my "Faces of Chemo" photo-journal, it wasn't going to be easy.  Posting a picture of myself everyday would be anything BUT comfortable, but I figured that these pictures weren't meant to be pretty.  What you see is what you get.  I would have good days and bad days (thank you, Jesus that the good have far outweighed the bad!).  This is my journey.

So, when my SUPER SWEET photog, writer-blogger, artist, fashion stylist, well-being passionista friend (whew!), Christine Rose Elle asked if she could do a photo shoot with me, I was excited and well, pretty darn nervous!  I mean, these pictures are supposed to be pretty!  Posing for pictures is awkward and uncomfortable enough, but wigs, bald head, sparse eyebrows and lashes, alien port and scar... How was I going to pull that off?!!  Then it hit me....

This was going to be another opportunity to share my journey.
This was another chance to shine.
Another chance to show cancer who is boss!

Christine was wonderful.  She made sure I was comfortable long before the actual day of the shoot.  I had seen some of the portraits she had taken before, so I knew that she did beautiful work and I could totally trust her. Plus, I just LOVE HER, so I knew that everything was going to be fine.

Morning of the shoot, I woke up, ate breakfast, showered, got dressed, moisturized, gathered my wigs and a few other things and headed out the door.  I took my friend Cherie along for extra moral support too (a little extra couldn't hurt).  I'll admit that I was a little nervous on the drive out, but once we were met by Christine's smiling face, those nerves started to melt away.

 

 
We went upstairs and after a little chit-chat, the fun began!  Christine helped me pick out some pieces from her beautiful wardrobe collection and applied my make-up AND EYELASHES (woo-hoo!!).  I put on the first outfit and my wig and tried to think pretty thoughts.  Christine gave instruction how to sit, where to put my hands and arms, how to hold my head, chin out and down... it was a bit awkward at first.  A few more outfits and poses and it was time to expose the dome and take some bald shots.  Christine dressed me up in a beautiful dress and bling to match.  I wasn't sure how pretty I felt, but I did somehow feel strong, free, empowered. After that, the rest of the shoot was easier, I was more confident - that and we saved my favorite outfits for last.
 

The shoot was over and I had no idea how any of the pictures would turn out.
What I did know was that I was SO THANKFUL for the experience.
I got to play dress up and be a girly girl!
Whether I actually looked it or not, Christine had made me FEEL BEAUTIFUL
and that was something that I hadn't really felt since my hair fell out.

 

Later that afternoon, some of the photos arrived in my inbox.  Blown away.  I couldn't believe that was me in those pictures.  Still can't.  Honestly, Christine has a magic camera.  She's pretty magical herself.  How she did it I'm not sure, but cancer schmancer, I LOOK GOOD!!  And when I start feeling low or I’m having a bad day or chemo is kicking my butt, all I have to do is look at those pictures and I am reminded that I AM strong and I CAN shine through this.

  

 

 

  

  

 

 

 

Thank you Christine, for empowering me through beauty and allowing

me to share your talents as I share my journey! Love ya, Sweets!! xoxo

 



Hey, let me see your hair!

Bald & Nerdy

So, it’s been 58 days since I said “good-bye” to my hair. You’d think I would have gotten over it by now, right?  I mean, how vain is this girl?!  I never really thought of myself as vain, always thought that I was pretty well grounded, but now I’m beginning to wonder.

It’s not that I haven’t gotten used to being bald. I almost never wear hair around the house and I hardly even think about it (unless I happen to walk by a mirror).  I guess the problem is that now that I’m starting to feel “normal” again, I want to look like the “normal” me again.  Honestly, if it weren’t for my bald head, I might forget sometimes that I’m right in the middle of a battle with breast cancer (well, that and the weekly lab and chemo visits).  Anyway, I wanted to share a “hair” story that happened this morning...

I don’t leave the house without a wig on.  The only time I do is for my morning walk and even then, I’m wearing a hat.  I usually head out for my walk early enough that I don’t encounter many people, just several pick-up trucks filled with tools and men in t-shirts headed to work.  My route goes along Walnut Street, between two busier streets, La Habra Boulevard and Lambert Road.  Each morning I think to myself, “You should go farther, cross Lambert,” but each time I turn around just before I get to the corner.  Why?  Well, because I would have to stand at the crosswalk and wait for the light to change, risking being noticed by the heavier traffic on Lambert. The cars on Walnut don’t stop.  They just pass by.  It’s bad enough that I see their heads turn and their lingering looks as they drive by.  The cars on Lambert might stop at the light - get a better look!  Stupid, I know.

Once again this morning (a beautiful morning I might add), I couldn’t convince myself to go out beyond the safety of my usual route.  “Too many cars out,” I told myself.  I turned around and headed back home.  About halfway there, I noticed two men walking ahead of me and talking.  They were older and one had a walker.  I tried to walk quickly around them, unnoticed.  As I passed, they said good morning and asked me how I was doing.  Still moving, I turned slightly, smiled and returned their greeting.  Then the man with the walker yelled out, “Hey, let me see your hair!”  REALLY? Did he REALLY just ask me that?!  “I don’t have any hair!” I answered without looking back.  “So! Let me see your hair!” was his reply.  By this time, I had picked up the pace and was a good distance away from them.  I quickly pulled of my hat and turned my head to see their reaction.  Walker Man smiled and called after me, “Ah, you’re beautiful anyway!”

Thanks, Walker Man.  Although you are most likely visually impaired, thanks for making me momentarily forget about the uncomfortable stares from the passing cars and remember that I AM beautiful and for now, this IS my “normal”!  There’s a pretty gnarly fight going on inside my body, and I’m holding up pretty well!!  I may not be heading out all GI Jane anytime soon, but if people do see me, I hope they see my strength.  Even if I don’t ever get up the courage to “expose the dome” publicly and in person, I hope I still shine with the strength, grace and joy I’ve been blessed with throughout this journey.  I just need to remember to stand confident in the new and improved person God is molding me into, hair or no hair.

Day 20 - Bye, Bye Hair

It was time. It needed to happen. And yet, I still wasn't ready.  My hair had become a matted mess of deadness.  With every touch, another clump would come out.  I was afraid to wash it, comb it, lay down on it....  It was RIDICULOUS!  There was hair everywhere!!  I knew what came next and I didn't want it.

I've never thought of myself as a very fashion forward type person.  For most of my life, I was one step behind on what was hot, my hairstyle usually being a "not".  Then one day, my friend and stylist hit what I finally thought was a winning combination, style and color that I LOVED!  My hair became part of my persona, my identity.  The thought of losing it terrified me!

So, Sunday afternoon, I tried to "fix" what was left of my hair for what I knew would be the last time for awhile.  It was a mess.  Each handful of hair that would fall out was like a punch in the gut.  "You look like a monster," I thought to myself, "You're falling apart!"  It was time for a pity party!

I cried.  I was angry.  I was tired.  I was defeated.  I was annoyed.  I had wasted way too much energy worrying about hair!!!  Nothing I could do was going to stop this next phase, this stupid side effect!  Enough is enough!

Before going to bed, I texted my stylist, "we've got to do something about my hair...".  I then closed my eyes and prayed, asking God for some of that super-human strength I so badly needed.

Monday morning came quickly.  I opened my eyes, had my usual morning pit stop, and then started reading my devotions.  As I lay there, I realized that I was ready.  Ready to move beyond the dread of losing my hair.  Ready to move on to the next part of this journey.  I was at peace.

I walked into the salon, Mom and Dad with me, and sat calmly while my dear friend shaved my head.  With each buzz of the clippers, I almost felt stronger.  My hair was gone, and so was that nagging sense of worry.  I'm gonna be ok.  What's a little hair?!  I'm kicking cancer's butt!!  God gave me that super-human strength exactly when I needed it!  He gave me time to grieve and then helped me stand tall, victorious.  And know what?  No Wonder Woman undies needed!

Now I can ride in the car with the windows open without a care!  No more bed head.  Showers are faster.  The time it takes to get ready has been drastically cut.  No need to worry about hairspray!  And grey hair.... whats that?!  Maybe I should have shaved my head years ago!

The Faces of Chemo: Day 20

Can you spot which bald head is mine?