Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow and Back Again!

The last week of 2016, I found out that I was no longer responding to the oral chemo I had started in October, and that my cancer had spread. My body had puffed up like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and I got to welcome in the New Year with yet another hospital stay. Treatment Plan A had been a bust. Plan B was a failure. Now we were onto Plan C. We immediately started IV chemo (Gem/Carbo)...

With IV chemo, we knew there was a pretty good chance that I'd end up losing my hair... again. Since I had been down that road before, I knew I could totally handle it.  It still sucked, because my hair had grown out so long and healthy from the last go-around and I was loving it. I knew it would come back, eventually. So, 3 weeks in, it started falling out and a month later I had a pretty good balding stripe right down the top of my head. It was time to shave it.

I decided that I wanted to share the experience with My Tribe (my friends and family). I wanted people to see that it really wasn't such a scary thing.  If I could do it, so could they.  I grabbed two of my besties, my wigs, and headed over to my friend's salon for the "big event".  I shared the whole thing live on Facebook (you can watch it HERE), and was overwhelmed by the amount of support I got from all of my people.

Notice the bald stripe leading to my bald patch?

Almost gone!

Celebrating with my besties the day after and sporting my pink wig.

And then... about three weeks later, my hair stopped falling out and started growing back!

Now I know what some of you might be saying, "What a waste! You made such a big deal about sharing getting your head shaved and it came right back! Why'd you even bother?"
Well, here's the thing, you never know how your body is going to react to chemo. Last time, I was Mr. Clean-bald just a few months in.  This time, my hair was thinning. I'd lose a handful of hair each time I ran a brush through it. I had a bald spot. Everything pointed to me being a chrome dome again soon.

Here's the other thing, I have very little control over what happens to my body anymore. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself.  Deciding WHEN to shave my head was me taking control of something. It was me showing that I was stronger than my circumstances (even if it was just hair). Not just that, but every time I would brush my hair and pull a fist full of hair out, it was a reminded that I was sick. Enough was enough.

Badass is BACK!!

Know what else? A kind of transformation took place.  I got my badassedness back! As she shaved my head and that thinning hair fell to the floor, I was becoming fierce. It was empowering.  It still is. I feel stronger.  Maybe not always physically or emotionally, but mentally, I'm stronger. I even go out now without a wig (something that I NEVER did the first time), and I'm owning my battle. Don't get me wrong, I still have lots of wigs, but they're just for fun! Accessories.

I'm not going to get too attached to my hair yet, because like I said, you never know... I've still got 4 months of chemo left. It's just all part of the adventure and I'm learning you've just gotta roll with it! It's totally worth it to me to step out of my comfort zone from time to time, if it means showing cancer who's boss!

Oh, and that Plan C chemo... it's doing the job! It's wreaking havoc on my body, but I'll take it because the tumors are shrinking and the cancer is being controlled!!

One more thing... I need to take a minute to thank my friend, Nona Pitts.  She's my stylist and owner of Salon 5150 in Brea, CA.  She has made her salon a safe place for me to feel beautiful and encouraged to try out hairstyles and crazy wigs. She works miracles on those wigs I bring in! Nona is so dear to me and I am grateful for her and her staff.  Thanks, Babe!

My Girl, Nona!

My Fight Song

This morning I shared a post on Facebook that read:

The Devil whispered in my ear,

“You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm.”

Today I whispered in the Devil’s ear,

“I am the storm.”

Reading that, I was reminded of how fierce I felt when I went through breast cancer the first time. I was going to battle.  We had a plan and I was going to make that cancer suffer before kicking it to the curb!  Oh what a different battle this time around.

The plan is vague. We’ll try this and that until it doesn’t work and then we’ll try something else. There have been side effects, set backs and treatment changes.  I’m a trooper and I’ll do what needs to be done, but today I realized something… I need my “fight” back! I had just sort of accepted this latest diagnosis as how things were gonna be until I get my miracle. Well, today I’ve decided that this cancer is going to suffer too! The boxing gloves are back on! I AM THE STORM.

That being said, I have a favor to ask. Many of you helped me create a playlist last time that I listened to throughout chemo and beyond. I loved that playlist. I found strength and comfort in those songs... my fight songs.  Well, I need a NEW fight song playlist!! That’s where YOU come in, My Battalion! Send me your songs! Help me get my fight back and keep it going until we get that miracle…until we have victory!

PS. No Taylor Swift allowed and we don’t need the obvious “Fight Song”.

Love you guys!! Keep prayin’ and watch the miracle!! 

October SUCKED!!

October 2nd, I ended up in the ER! On October 3rd, I was admitted into the hospital for 11 days. It took some time before I was able to post again...

October 19, 2016

Good Morning Battalion!! I have to admit that Facebook is still rather daunting, so I'm taking it slow. Again, I want to thank you all for hanging in there with me! I have felt your love and prayers... I can't tell you what it means to be cared for so fiercely. Thank you.

I saw Doc Onc for a post-hospital stay check up yesterday. The thing that was weighing on my mind the most were the results of the 3 surprise MRI's I had last week. Turns outs, those had been ordered before my latest adventure and weren't necessary (almost punched Doc in the face when he said that). Anyway, the MRI's were clear (necessary or not). I'm pretty sure I've had everything scanned that there is to be scanned... some things two or three times! Remind me to tell ya about them taking pics of my heart sometime...hint: they don't put you out for that and it involves a big tube down your throat! Don't wanna do that again!!

Anyway....good report from Doc. I'm on a different chemo now (a bazillion pills twice a day, 7 days on, 7 off). I'm also on cholesterol and blood pressure meds. Just in case that wasn't fun enough, I get to give myself blood thinner shots in my gut twice a day! No more strokes for this girl!!! Last but not least, I'll go over to the infusion center twice a week on my "on-weeks" for IV fluids and anti nausea meds (had my first session and ate lunch AND dinner and it stayed down!! SUCCESS!!

Well, I think you're caught up now. Oh, and thanks for praying Dave. He's feeling better and went back to work today.

Love you all!! Still fighting and STILL expecting my MIRACLE!!

November 1, 2016

It's hard to believe that it's been a month since "the strokes". I hadn't been feeling well which wasn't unusual, but this was different. I felt like crap. At some point that Saturday afternoon, the dogs had gotten out. I got up and ran to get Brendan's help. I tried to tell him what was happening, but the words wouldn't come out right. I'll never forget the look on his face as he tried to make sense of the noises coming out of my mouth. I think I got the words "dogs help dad" out. Not realizing what was going on, I just went and laid down while the guys wrangled the dogs.

Now, the next 15-16 hours are unclear. I remember waking up to paramedics and then waking up again in the ER. Apparently, I had gone in to go to the restroom around 5am and passed out. Mom came in, found me and yelled for Dave to call 911.

After who knows how long in the ER (not at the hospital I usually go to) struggling to talk, think or have the two match up, I was sent home. We called Doc Onc the next day and he checked me into the hospital right away. That ended up in an 11-day stay.

So what happened? I suffered a series of small strokes. Ends up I have a defect on one of my heart valves (most likely from chemo the last time) that was causing the problem. Terrific.

I'll admit, there were LOTS of tears while I was laying there in that hospital bed. As if cancer for a second time wasn't enough, now this? This wasn't WONDER-ful. How am I supposed to shine through this? Is this really part of the plan?

Here's the thing, a month later....I'm walking and talking. You wouldn't know by looking at me that I had stroked. The cancer is still there, we're just treating it differently now. Everything has changed but I'm still me. I'm still a fighter. I'm still thanking God for every breath and every opportunity to give Him the glory for all that He's done in my life. I've said it before... He's the same God today that carried me through my first battle and He's the same God that will carry me through this one.

So today, November 1st, I'm thankful for my story. I may not always like the way it's going, but I am thankful that I've been trusted with it. I'm going to continue to make the most of it and believe that we will see miracles happen. I WILL shine. I WILL be WONDER-ful again!

#30daysofthanks #30daysofgratitude #stupidcancer #watchthemiracle #wonderwoman

While I Was Away - Catching Up

Well folks, a LOT has happened since my last post! The easiest way to get ya caught up is to share some of my Facebook posts. Here ya go...

July 8, 2016

Well, shit. It looks like Wonder Woman is being put to the test again. I went to the doctor last week because I had been experiencing some abdominal pain. He immediately thought it was my gallbladder and sent me for an ultrasound...it wasn't my gallbladder. A CT/PET Scan and MRI later, it appears that I have cancer again, only this time it's in my liver, half of it to be exact. I'm going in for aliver biopsy tomorrow to confirm, but Doc Onc is pretty sure. We've got lots of tests and scans to do and Doc is already coming up with a plan of attack. For right now, I could use LOTS of prayer. Pray for me. Pray for Dave, Matthew, Brendan and the rest of my family. Pray for the Docs.

You guys, this sucks. And yes, I'm kinda pissed. There's one thing I am COMPLETELY CERTAIN about... GOD IS IN CONTROL. He's been so faithful before and he won't stop now. He has a plan and a purpose for me and another battle with cancer can't change that.

July 15, 2016

Happy Friday everyone!! Saw Doc Onc this morning and then took the rest of the day "off" for some R&R. Sorry if I left some of you hanging!!

Here's the lowdown...

It's the exact same cancer I had before, just now it's in my liver (metastatic breast cancer). I see that as a GOOD thing because we know I kicked it's butt before!

Because my cancer was/is HER2 positive - feeds off my hormones - they gave me a shot last week to put me into menopause and shut off my ovaries. Funny, I could've sworn I was already IN menopause (blood tests showed otherwise)!

The treatment we started last Friday is what we're going to stick with. Every 4 weeks I'll get a injection (2 shots) in my backside of a drug that is supposed to shut off the estrogen receptors in the cancer so it can't feed anymore.

We've also gotten approval for another drug (brand spankin' new) that interferes with the growth and spread of cancer cells in the body. We're just waiting for it to be shipped from the "special pharmacy". I'll take that for 3 weeks and then a week off (rinse and repeat). Some side effects with that one are low white blood cell count and anemia (low red blood cell count). I'll have regular blood tests to monitor that.

My blood tests showed that my kidneys are functioning great. My liver (although inflamed) is functioning. Some of my "levels" are high (cuz I have cancer) but not terribly high. This is good because it means we can use blood tests to monitor my PROGRESS (that's what I'm calling it) instead of constantly doing scans.

My bone scan came back clear except for a spot on my sternum. Doc thinks that may just be inflammation but we'll be keeping an eye on it. I'm praying and believing that by the next bone scan, that spot will be gone!!

I do have some discomfort and pain in my side and abdomen. Doc Onc says that if the tumors shrink, the pain should become less and less. I told him the tumors WILL shrink and the pain WILL go away. Until then, I have meds to manage the pain.

We're not talking "stage" or "time frame". I refuse to put those kinds of numbers on this. None of that matters. It's cancer and we're gonna fight it. That's all we need to know. I told Doc Onc that it won't be long before he's scratching his head in wonder because he's witnessing a miracle. God's gonna blow his mind!! Tee, hee!!

My next blood tests are in 2 weeks. Next appointment with Doc Onc and injections are on August 5th. In the meantime, I'm doing my normal things. I'll be working, although cutting back on my hours and shifts until my body has a chance to adjust to things. I'll be doing things that make my heart happy and spending time with people that feed my soul. I'll be resting lots too.

People, I have NO DOUBT that God has some BIG things planned. He proved that the last time and He hasn't changed! So get ready!!

BIG TIME LOVE to you all!! Thank for your your continued love, support and most importantly...PRAYERS!! Have a WONDERFUL weekend!!

#watchthemiracle #peacelikeariver #mygodisbigger #wonderwoman#wonderful2016 #lovemytribe #stupidcancer

J.O.Y. - 2015

I’m sure you’ve heard of people choosing a “word” at the start of each New Year. The word usually has something to do with what you hope for or want to be.  I had always wanted to pick a word, but would usually forget or decide the word I had chosen wasn’t good enough, or some other excuse. The same thing happens when I decide I’m going to start a journal, a diet, a cleaning/organizing plan…

A few months into 2013, I got my first word… BRAVE.  I had breast cancer.  I was going to need to be brave and hold onto my faith to get through it.  I soon learned that being brave had very little to do with what I could do, and had everything to do with what God could do.  God gave me unexpected strength.  He made me brave.

As 2014 rolled in, I was finishing my radiation treatments.  No more cancer!  My next word… SHINE.  I wanted to shine with the victory God had given me over breast cancer.  I wanted to shine with all that He had done in my life.  Matthew 5:14 in The Message says,

“You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world,”

                                                           and that’s just what I was going to do.

It’s hard to shine all the time.  I sometimes wondered if I was really shinning at all.  Did my flaws and mistakes and short-comings dim that light?  I realized again that my “word” had very little to do with me and had everything to do with what God was doing in me.  He shines.  He is working and moving in my life and that light can’t be put out.  It doesn’t matter what stupid things I do, He’ll shine through.  That’s another word… GRACE.

With 2015 waiting in the wings, it’s time to pick another “word”.  Several words have come up in recent months and definitely have meaning to me for this time in my life…. HOPE, FAITH, PEACE, LOVE, BEAUTIFUL.  I went to The Word (aka. The Bible) to help narrow it down and I found this passage (emphasis mine):

“Be assured that from the first day we heard of you, we haven’t stopped praying for you, asking God to give you wise minds and spirits attuned to his will, and so acquire a thorough understanding of the ways in which God works. We pray that you’ll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard. As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you’ll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into JOY, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.”
                                                  -Colossians 1:9-12, MSG

JOY.  God had given me strength to endure (be brave). He let me shine his God-colors to the world and much more.  You can be sure that all of that spills over into JOY.

Each day I want to choose JOY.  I want to remember everything God has done for me and look forward with joy to all that he has in store.

“when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.” – James 1:2 NLT

And it’s not just about my joy.  I want to share joy and bring joy to the people around me.

“Everyone will share the story of your wonderful goodness                         

    they will sing with joy about your righteousness.” – Psalm 145:7 NLT

Bottom line, I want my life to point back to Christ.  I want it to be undeniable whose I am and where my JOY comes from. So in 2015, I’m all about the JOY and I’m wishing the same for you!

What Your Heart Needs for the Hard Days

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. (Psalm 68:19 NIV)

We all have hard days. Sometimes just dealing with the everyday things in our lives can be difficult. It's often in those tough times that just asking for help feels like weakness or defeat. In the new devotional, " What Your Heart Needs for the Hard Days", Holley Gerth shares 52 Psalms-based devotionals that remind us that we are not alone and not defeated when we feel like we're at the end of our rope.

Whatever your hard things are - disappointment, depression, stress, anxiety, hurt, loss, loneliness..., God had promised to be there, right alongside of us.  He'll give us joy.  He'll give us peace. He'll give us strength. He'll give us exactly what we need, when we need it.

"You serve a God who has the hairs on your head not only numbered but memorized. He knows the details of your life even better than you do. He never loses touch with your heart. And because of that, you can always have hope. Because even if you can’t see what God is doing, you can trust he is already acting on your behalf. Nothing is too difficult for him. No challenge is too big. No detail is too small."

Hey! I’m giving away a copy of Holley’s book!You can enter to win it below!

God bless!!

  a Rafflecopter giveaway

Coffee Break - Strong Enough to Face Giants?

Last month, I spoke at WACC’s Coffee Break and shared about my breast cancer journey.  Thanks to a tech-savvy friend, I have FINALLY figured out how to get the video up and running here on my blog! 
So pour yourself a cup of coffee, get comfy, and listen to my story.  I hope that you’ll be blessed because it was a blessing to be able to share!

SUPER!!

 

Wow. It was a year ago, April 5th, that I heard the words, "It's cancer". I know that in time, my biggest milestones won't be measured against my cancer journey, but right now I'm just so thankful that I'm sitting here full of the love I've received from friends and family, the strength that I've received from my Heavenly Father, and oh so grateful for victory over breast cancer. What a year!!

 

Prickly

Life can get pretty prickly sometimes.  Sometimes it’s hard to see beyond the thorns.  But John 33:16 says, “I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]” (AMP).
How AWESOME is that??!! You don’t have to stay stuck by your situations or circumstances! There is ONE who is mightier than anything you could face and He'll get you through it.